Conflict is inevitable in relationships. At the same time it is an opportunity to learn about ourselves. The mistake that individuals make in relationships is that they focus on how the other person is wrong. This is human nature as it is easier to point the finger than to look internally and reflect and understand how we may share some or all of the responsibility. We mistakenly believe, “If he (or she) were only more considerate, had more time for me, or did the dishes more, then I would be happy.”
Instead of examining our own behavior, we believe that the other person is the problem. We believe we are justified, reasonable and more than fair. They need to change. Then we repeatedly replay the scenario in our minds and review the other person’s responses and actions to find the evidence we need to be right. In this internal monologue, nothing changes and we lose the opportunity to grow. From this position we take on the role of the judge, jury, and executioner.
Being right does not build intimacy nor does it allow us to be responsible for our behavior. When we are willing to let go of being right, problems can be solved more easily and we cultivate opportunities for personal growth. People are more willing to listen, to be open, and even to acknowledge responsibility when they are not being attacked.
Four tips are offered below to assist in letting go of being right in relationships.
Identify Your Expectations:
First acknowledge you have expectations. Then ask yourself if you are willing to give them up. Stop expecting others to read your mind, to know what you want and need, and to satisfy your unspoken expectations. Stop waiting for people to complete you. Instead maintain your healthy boundaries by asserting your needs and not compromising your standards for the sake of maintaining a relationship. You must maintain your sense of self in every relationship. If a relationship does not have room for you to be yourself; it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship. Nor is it a relationship if only one person’s needs are being met. Relationships equate with a mutual space where both individuals respect and care for one another and make room for individual and relationship growth.
Stop Keeping Score:
Yesterday’s argument is not relevant to the present. Do not bring the past into the present. You will not get anywhere except argue in circles. Do not throw previous transgressions in each others faces. Accept that we are all human. We all make mistakes. We have our moods, our reactions, our fears.
Love people for who they are and who they aren’t. Allow them to change and grow. Be willing to see them newly. Don’t put them in a box. Instead of trying to make them be who you want them to be, give them the space to be who they are. If the person you are in a relationship with is unhealthy, accept that is who they currently are and either distance yourself or let them go if they cannot cultivate a positive energy in your life.
Give up Being Right:
Ask yourself–how important is your position, really? Is being right more important than creating and sustaining intimacy, love and growth in your relationships?
I am committed to providing the highest quality of care and maintain a deep desire to facilitate personal transformation that allows individuals to live whole-heartedly. My desire is that individuals live a life embodied with peace, joy, love, and prosperity. I hope to accomplish my purpose, which is to help you live your dream of realizing your fullest potential in a personal and meaningful manner that allows you to live the life you want.
A.C.T. will provide free resource information for individuals and families to help promote education. For more information, please contact Dr. Drecun at Dr.Drecun@a4ct.com or (858) 792-3541. You may also visit us online at www.a4ct.com. ACT serves the Del Mar 92014 and Rancho Santa Fe 92067 area.